— Me, I’m quoting myself, lol
Strange to think that my stranger nights are now composed mostly of breaking my schedule—I once wrote a story about how getting into a routine will quickly cycle your life into death; and when I take a hold of the routine in a conscious “death” grip, it began serving me. As such, external stimuli are becoming less and less of a factor, with the side-effect of discovering myself more earnestly, seeing the internal stimuli, at risk of seeming antithetical to any sort of folly, maybe to the extent of someone with whom in the past I got along but now feels strange or estranged around me
—I don’t want to come off as so serious
but the fact is, my drive to become is
life-giving, and I feel motivated so as
to do anything, and deal with anything.
To that force I have decided
to apply my conscious efforts
and I can see it working, with
When something is stagnant,
it doesn’t mean it’s bad, it just
means it’s more at risk of
Indeed, there are ways in which the stagnation of my
current situation can be transformed without traveling
Here is Nathan. Hello, Nathan. You have access to this text; whether you visit, or visit often, I cannot guess. Here is where I process in words, volume II. Nathan has given me inadvertent, subtle motivation—was it? He did challenge me to write, and here I am, and here is he—to begin giving focused energy
just as Callum, too, has motivated me to do, in a deliberate, direct fashion, Callum’s and Nathan’s influences combined giving to me this chapter of spiritual development.
Focused energy, in general. In other words, attention,
Or, as M. Czikszentmihalyi choose to phrase it; psychic energy
[and I laugh with myself, as Nathan too may, for upon saying I “feel motivated so as to do anything,” I yet declined to simply drive out there and watch the eclipse with him]
my former point being: just as I could see myself a roommate of Callum, I can see myself a roommate of Nathan. It’s a hidden factor for staying near where I am. I would hope for, parallel with wish against, his feeling the same; for I would not want him to feel my moving away a missed opportunity within himself to stir up his own circumstances. It’s just that I enjoy the aspect of travel—a powerful factor, at times causing the other factors to be obscured;
What is to be made of all of this? That is to ask: what am I doing?
It’s grand and an ounce intimidating for every day to feel that it’s
leading up to something when I have no particular vision in mind.
Identified are two entangled challenges:
- Accurately and concisely expressing my thoughts
feelings, and opinions, verbally
- Expressing the same via my actions
[a pair of challenges made difficult through dissonance,
and a feeling of understanding many perspectives
And my aura signifies that my chakras are centered in my throat, attempting to make it to my pineal gland;
where at once I became hyperaware of that potential fact
and avoided flaunting such a state
—I don’t want to come off as so serious, etc.
Some day—or every day, in continuum—I [will] discover the potential of what it means to have relative intelligence.
Relative implies, to many, a comparison to others;
I express that I mean a comparison to myself.
My mind is entirely somewhere else
a cardiovascular quickened pace
up to my neurons, firing their guns
blasting holes in each of my considerations
feeling & understanding each one,
"dissonance — what does that mean??
why do you do that??”
because I feel it!
am I supposed to apologize?
well, anyway, my choices are
many and each attractive & understood SYSTOLE
and maybe as organized would be easier selected DIASTOLE
but as I am very suggestible
I feel so strong in agreement when I
hear: “move here”
AND: “stay here”
so it feels like
“move here” = “stay here”
“stay here” = “move here”
At least Josh says
'you will go far,'
not knowing the conditions.
and gratefulness is all I can offer
for being healthy and able to face
these decisions at all.
— Aristotle, The Metaphysics
I must hold faith in where
I go; every choice is creative
—an intergral with unknown bounds
measured not with estimation,
no fixed width.
a width of infinite precision
nearly to insignificance.
a folly by relativity is,
in its moment, despairing
but numerous create missed potential.
not that much can be done, retroactively.
even the “big picture” is
blurred from unsteady hands;
the composition is maintained
(until it is changed, and
for that I can do nothing);
if my wide eyes cannot see,
and it hardly matters what I can see,
then to choose anyway I am required
unless I let it pass,
indecision itself a decision.
— Sir Thomas More, Utopia
and the focus is turned
where there is to be asked:
how does the web of ideas spread?
for being friends with someone
does not mean befriending their
tweets, or their blog—
understanding why they have
chosen their path;
why must I edit myself
with hope of e-attention?
I will throw my idea
outward, and anyone may
choose to catch it [or not]—
a number of timid mice
scurrying for the
what is it, then, that they, or I, should be saying?
"The function of the soul is to indicate its desire…
The function of the mind is to choose from its alternatives.
The function of the body is to act out that choice.”
Conversations with God, N.D. Walsch
body, mind, soul
My body and mind work
so often to be reading, writing,
communicating—is this what
was desired by my soul?
against what I had said,
to be conservative of “brain time”?
as one would not
exercise their body all day?
thought for a moment that constant movement—
eyes across a page, hand writing, feet walking
could lead to weariness…
yet I feel young and energetic.
I can eat and eat and eat
slim build retained
so long as I am conscious of,
and not carried by.
but I hold no necessary issue to
writing inconsequential things, walking nowhere;
and I have no struggle in shutting off mind and body
for sleeping well;
and thus: reality between the extremes of word,
soul unexpressed by the limitations of word.
what is the desire of my soul,
in my truest understanding of that question?